Up & Down

Afternoon, usually I’m up.
Other times, I never know, I am maybe, I am probably, I’m down.

No, I am not depressed, it’s not like that. But it is, and I hate to say it, it is hard.

Even the simplest things are hard.

Doing the easy things, things you have never even thought about, you don’t ever think about it, you just do it.

It may be talking to my family, listening on phone, reading on the news.

I don’t know why it is so hard – is it for my aphasia? Is my brain slow and dens from my stroke? Is it a combination?

It is hard to get up from my bed.

It’s hard to sleep well. My shoulder hurts me, every time I move in bed. I don’t know why. No trainers know why. No doctors know why.

My foot works strange. Why? Can you just relax a bit? Only for one night?

So I wake up. Wake up my body, start to hurt me, again. Can I please get me sleep a bit more?

Hand, my right hand, can you please please help me today? Pick up the socks, put them on my feet. Please?

No, it is off today too. My hand is on strike. Call the unions and tell them to stop it now, you get all the money you want. Please?

Other times than afternoon… 🙄

For everything I do, and I want to it ok, I have to focus. Even the simple talking with my wife, I have to focus. If I don’t, I miss something she said. I may miss the name she said, so I assume her daughter, when she talked about her sister. I may have missed something so small, a little “not”. She said she had not bought dinner, when I heard she had bought dinner.

Focus, Jonas. Focus!

I have to focus when I walk. My right is too weak and I don’t want to miss something and break my foot, or anything else.

Walk carefully, but please walk a bit faster, and please walk safe and faster, please?

Sometimes (many times) I want to unfocus me. I have to, to keep my brain stay alive. I need to relax, to just let my brain follow whatever it may want to.

Let my brain just drifting their dinghy where ever it wants to. It will get back, I’m promising. Take it off for a while.

Sit still, don’t have to do anything, don’t talk, don’t hear you what you say. I will get back.

I want a brain dinghy.

Just look at the sky.

The afternoon is nice.

When I feel good, and I have energy to training my body and energy to read and communicate and write.

I love afternoon.

I see small improvement. I do!

I know that training my foot and leg – that improves me. I love to work out. Well, I love it when it is fun. When I train only because to fix me, fix the things where something is wrong.

That’s not fun.

But I have to.

But I do see some really small improving, I actually think about sometime this winter I should get on ski boots, see how it feels. Rent the boots and the skis, just to try it.

Of course with my wife really close to me. I don’t know how it will work for my body.

I know, I can go down only on my left foot. I know skiing, ask anyone.

But how will my head work now? Can I keep the balance? Can I get dizzy or not in my control? Is my brain too slow?

Who am I now?
I have to be a skier.

Probably because me and my family were going skiing in February 2021. I was – from my own thought – the queen in the slopes. That’s me.

That is why it is so important to go back to the slopes to get to know that I am still I.

Just a bit more than one day after we got back from Hemavan, I got my stroke.

This is why I have asked so many – what has happened in the skiing, the driving back home, and will I ever get back to Hemavan?

13 February, a bit more than 2 days before stroke.

I am going up and down.

My soul and my body cannot anymore buffer my feels. If I am happy, then I am glad and joying. If I am sad, then I am hating life and I cry. That’s my life now, I don’t do any “look happy” if I am not happy. Live with it.

It’s like this week, with Musikhjälpen we all are living with what we see on TV, mobiles, radion… Reporting the news about the f*ck of our world, and love from all of us helping the simple way we can, just give them the money they can help to the kids out there.

This year they have this week for “For a world without child labor” – kids should never ever have to work. Which is so obvious to us, in Sweden at least. Well at least we who follow “Music Helper”.

This is the end of Musikhjälpen this year. We have laugh and we have cried and loving live music this week, and Sweden share some money to help the kids in the world that need help.

Now we are ready for Christmas.

This is why I am tired in this life.
My brain is feeling so much.

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